It ain't all sunshine and rainbows...
but gradually, little by little, things are improving
I’m eating again. That’s usually a sign that things are getting better.
Actually, I’m doing a lot of things this week that I haven’t been doing since “the breakup.” (Which, good news: it looks like we’re making up, and our friendship is still intact. I was really terrified that I’d ruined it completely, so I’m glad that’s not the case.)
2025 has been a rough eight weeks, though.
I officially hired somebody at the start of the year to start doing social media engagement to promote my newsletter, and my veterans support group! And they’re crushing it… but I, on the other hand, seem to be doing everything I can to self-sabotage.
I’m probably harder on myself than I need to be, but, I know the things I’m “supposed” to be doing — and a lot of those things have not been getting done.
I kind of anticipated that, though. I mean, hiring another person is a huge step. I’m clearly ready for it, because we’re rolling into March next week and they’re still on the payroll… but it’s like, a big commitment.
It shows that I’m ready to take my business goals seriously — and I don’t know but that’s pretty intimidating. I’m not backing down from it, though (and that’s why I know I’m ready, even if I don’t feel like I am). But it’s adding a lot of stress.
On top of that, I’ve had two nasty fights with two different friends. I’m sure both of them were my fault. Like, for real my fault. I’ve kept all my anger bottled up since high school, and all of a sudden this month, it’s spilling out all over the place.
I blew up at things that, had I not been wrestling with all these feelings and memories from the past, probably would not have bothered me at all. But because I haven’t dealt with these past emotions, I got triggered (I don’t like that word, but it fits here pretty well).
I allowed anger from past experiences to cloud my judgment and impact my present-day relationships in really bad ways… and if I hadn’t caught it in time, I’d be minus two really great friends right now… because even if they could forgive me, if I’d gone much further in my anger, I don’t know if I could forgive myself.
Fighting with friends is just the worst.
Whether they’re past friends, or current friends, it doesn’t matter, it’s just awful no matter what. I hate feeling that way towards other people… especially when I know they didn’t even do anything to bring it on…
But the good news is, both friendships are still secure.
My emotions are still high as a kite, though. I imagine they’ll start to come down, now that I know everything’s okay… but then again, if some of these emotions are ones I kept bottled up for so long… it might be that things have to get worse now, before they can get better.
But at least I know things are moving in that better direction. I can tell they are, because I’m doing things this week that, last week I just wanted to avoid altogether… things like praying, journaling, reading, exercising, eating (which I already mentioned but that’s a huge one for me — when I’m stressed out I simply don’t eat… so when that starts to change, I always know things are about to get better).
I’m still angry. And I’m still super stressed about growing my newsletter and my veterans group. Somehow, taking that big step to hire a social media person makes it feel more… real, I guess? Which is odd, because I’ve been working on both of these things for over a year already, but somehow when you get your own money involved in the business, it changes everything.
So I’m not fighting with my friends (at least not this week)… I’m not super overwhelmed today by past or present emotions… I’m not wallowing in self-pity (thank goodness for that!)
But I’m not “good” yet, either… if that makes sense? Like, I know that’s the direction I’m going… but right now I’m still raw. I’m still hurting. I’m still afraid of my residual anger, of all the feelings I haven’t allowed myself to feel yet…
But I have to keep going. And I know that if I do, everything will get better… and I will be “good…” probably sooner than I expect…
In order to get there, though, I have to pass through all the crap I’ve been trying to avoid because it doesn’t feel good when I’m working through it.
So, I don’t know what to say right now… except I’m not gonna be all sunshine and rainbows, when the truth is I’m still stuck in the thick of it all…
I guess I’ll just say that I have faith, this week, that sooner or later things do get better… sometimes it just takes longer, I guess… I don’t know what my next couple weeks of newsletters will look like… I don’t know if they’ll be upbeat, or if I’ve got more junk I need to work through, or get out, or whatever…
But at least they’ll be honest.
In the grand scheme of things, I’d rather tell the truth about what I’m going through, than try to make it look better, or easier, than it really is. I don’t do anybody any favors by pretending everything is swell, when it still feels like it’s all falling apart behind the scenes.
Either way, I’ll at least try to share my insights and observations, like I normally do. I hope you’ll stick around to see where this is all going. I’ve a feeling it’s going to be good.