The five most dangerous words in the English language

And why I haven't said 'em in so many years... and why I'm ready to say them now.

There’s this girl I like…

I should probably just end this letter right here — experience has shown me that nothing good can ever come from opening up these feelings.

jk jk

But for real.

There’s a girl I’ve been talking to online for about a year and a half now. We’ve video chatted a few times, and so I’m pretty certain she is who she actually claims to be…

And I really, really like her. I have since the first time we ever spoke.

Actually, I knew I liked her the first time I ever saw her profile picture. I know that’s kind of cliche… but I don’t care.

I liked her immediately.

And I just knew, right away, there was something different about her, and about the way I feel when she talks to me.

When she messages me.

When we video chat.

When she comments on my posts.

When I send her memes.

I think there might be something there, that she and I should be exploring together.

The problem is…

Well actually, there are a lot of problems. And some of them aren’t anybody’s business but hers and mine. But some of them are mine, alone. And those are the ones I wanna talk about with you.

It’s scary for most people to have feelings… at least in the early stages of getting to know each other. It’s worse, I think, for somebody with PTSD, because I’m not just dealing with these new feelings — I’m also trying to deal with all the past feelings that my PTSD keeps trying to make me hide from.

And those old feelings hit hard. There’s a reason I’m trying to hide from them all…

The last time I felt this way about a girl was in high school. And the last girl who made me feel this way, really broke my heart. Thirty years later, I still haven’t recovered.

I still miss her. I still want her to come back. I still don’t understand why we drifted apart.

I still think it’s all my fault, and I must’ve done something really, really stupid to end up spending the rest of my life completely alone and unable to get past losing her.

So I’m pretty terrified of catching feelings for somebody new. Especially someone I haven’t met yet in person.

Although, I do believe that two souls can know they’re a good match, without having to meet up first to find out.

But still, I like her so much I’m a little nervous about what will happen when we ever do meet up?

Like will the “real her” be able to measure up to the ideal I know I’m creating in my head… or will there be no physical attraction at all and I’ll just be like, “Well, Sara, you’re very nice and I’m so glad you’re my friend but… I guess I’ll be going now…”

And I’ll leave and be like oh man, what was I thinking? How could I have ever thought I was attracted to her?

And then what will I do after I’ve been crushing on her for so long and we finally meet and I find out I’m not even attracted to her at all? That would wreck the whole narrative…

And while we’re on the subject…

What in the world am I doing writing a whole narrative about what our future will look like once we both finally realize we’re meant for each other, and it’s okay for us to want one another, and we’re going to be so deeply in love once we both can just let go of these preconceptions, and accept that the other person is exactly who we need in our lives to find real meaning and direction and to unlock our life’s full potential?

And why doesn’t she just see that already, the same way that I do?

What if she does see it already, and she’s just waiting for me to man up, and to tell her how I really feel, and that I’m serious about wanting to build a future with her?

And I’m so scared of upsetting her or hurting our friendship that I’m sitting here trying to play it cool and be like hey, I’m just glad you’re in my life at all, that’s all I need, I’m so happy just being your friend…

And meanwhile, she’s dying inside because she wants me to fight for her, and put everything on the line, and tell her I need her and I’m ready to take a chance with her and I don’t wannna think about anybody else…

And I tried being with somebody else last summer, and all I could think about was her and how much I want her by my side, and I’m so scared of getting things wrong and losing her friendship that I’m intentionally holding back…

When what she wants is for me to be bold and to tell her exactly how I feel, and what I want to build together, and because I’m too afraid to take that step, I’m losing the opportunity of a lifetime to have something really great with somebody who wants to have something with me…

All because I’m still too hurt over the last girl who dumped me and married somebody else who by the way treats her like garbage, and who she doesn’t even want to be married to anymore, but she’d rather stay with him then come back to me and let me love her and treat her the way she deserves to be treated…

But on the other hand.

What if Sara doesn’t want me?

What if it’s all one-sided, and she only wants to be friends and that’s all we’re ever going to be, and I’m just pining over someone new but still pining over someone I can never have… not because I’m not enough, necessarily… but just because we’re not actually meant for each other?

But I don’t know how we could not be meant for each other…

Already, I feel closer to her than I have to anybody, ever. I’ve told her things I never told any of my other girlfriends. Things I didn’t know how to tell my other girlfriends. Things I don’t know how to tell anybody… just come spilling out of my mouth (well, thumbs, actually, since we do most of our talking through texts).

I don’t even try to hide things from her, or to hold back at all. I tell her things I’ve spent the last twenty years being afraid to tell myself… things I can’t even tell my therapist, I tell Sara.

It feels good to have someone in my life I can tell these things to — and I’m glad that someone is her. I want it to be her!

I want it to always be her.

But then again.

I haven’t loved anybody since Carrie. And I’m still not even over Carrie. I’ve told Carrie I still love her and I always will (which was probably really dumb of me, since she’s married, and totally off-limits). I’ve told her I think she’s the greatest woman to ever live…

The only thing I haven’t told her is how quickly I would take her back, if she would ever let me.

So that’s a potential red flag, I think, when it comes to me wanting Sara.

I mean, if I’m still so hung up on Carrie, that I would take her back and try to make things work between us, then I know at least some of you will be like, “In that case you have no business being interested in this other girl.”

And you’re right.

But feel me…

Love doesn’t follow logic.

The way I feel about Carrie has nothing to do with my feelings for Sara.

Carrie is in the past… a past that I like to revisit… but one I know I can’t ever return to. I still think about Carrie because I’ve never loved another woman the way I loved her. Until now, that is.

And the way I feel about Sara will never take away the love I’ve always had for Carrie. Carrie was my first true love. The heart doesn’t just forget that, just because we’re not together anymore.

And if I was serious about wanting Carrie back, and truly believed I would take her back, or that she’s supposed to be “the one,” then it would be wrong for me to pursue Sara instead. I’d spend the whole time wishing she was Carrie, and that wouldn’t make either of us happy. I know; I’ve already done it once before.

But if I just miss Carrie… if I’m just still mourning the loss of our love… but I don’t want to go back to her (or have her come back to me, or whatever)…

Then the fact that I once loved someone who’s not the girl I’m crushing on now, is of no real consequence.

I’d be more worried if I had made it to 48, and never been in love with anybody. Although I suppose that does happen, to some people.

I did really love Carrie.

I thought I was going to marry her. I told her once, that I was gonna marry her after we graduated high school… and I really believed that. Like I had the whole picture in my mind, of the two of us married, living in our own house, two kids (a son and a daughter), always together, always happy, always in love…

But that didn’t happen, did it? Instead, I got bored, and I kissed her best friend right in front of her. (We were seventeen, and playing Truth or Dare, and Carrie dared me to kiss her. I know I never should have! But I mean, we were seventeen…)

After that, things between me and Carrie went downhill, fast.

I was devastated when we broke up. I knew it was my fault. I knew I had ruined our one chance at happiness… and now we’d never be together… we’d never get married… we’d never have the two kids and the perfect house and I’d never get to spend the rest of my life with the girl of my freaking dreams — and it was all my fault.

I was so embarrassed, I didn’t even tell anybody we broke up. And I definitely didn’t tell anybody it was because I kissed her best friend! I didn’t want anyone to know. I didn’t want to be judged. I didn’t want to be the one who’d ruined everything.

I got so depressed after Carrie left me…

I withdrew from my friends. I stopped going to school. I slept 16 hours a day. I barely ate. I wished for death. And I went on like that for more than a year, until I started dating Catherine… but I’d never healed from my breakup with Carrie, so it’s like I was trying to play that all out in my relationship with Catherine… like instead of just being with her, and having a new relationship, I was trying to recreate what Carrie and I had… I don’t know… but me and Catherine ended worse than me and Carrie… and after that I just didn’t want to date anybody…

And then I joined the Navy and got PTSD… and that just throws everything off. Now instead of just one or two bad breakups… I have layers on layers of fear, heartbreak, terror, panic, doubt, loss, grief, sorrow…

All telling me that, my mind is so gone, any attempt to set things right and to move forward and build a life worth living, will always end in failure… and it’s safer to just walk away from Sara now, than to even try to fall in love with her and expect it to go any other way than the way it always has before.

Sara’s not like other women, though. She makes me feel different than I did with everyone else.

I’ve spent my whole life feeling like I need to protect everybody around me. Like I need to make other people feel safe. I need to know I make other people feel safe… that just my presence is enough to encourage them and invite them to open up, to let down their guard, to dream big, impossible dreams, to feel like somebody sees them… somebody notices them… somebody legitimately cares about them…

I do that for everybody I meet. (I mean, unless you’re a real asshole… then you’re on your own. But that’s my fault, because I just can’t abide real assholes… they just bother me, and I don’t want them around.)

But this girl, though.

She makes me feel safe.

She makes me feel seen… and heard… and accepted.

She tells me I’m not a screw-up… and when she says it, I believe her.

I tell her my deepest, darkest secrets… and she says she’s proud of me for trusting someone else enough to finally open up and let them in.

She makes me think I’m a pretty amazing guy… when my own PTSD, depression, and anxiety, would have me believe I’m nothing and nobody, and I’ll never do anything right, and never make a real impact.

I want her approval.

So far, she gives it to me freely. She’s never once asked me to change. Not once.

Not even the one time I went off on her. She was like, “Dude what’s gotten into you?” And rightly so. But she’s never told me that I’m wrong for being the way I am.

And deep inside, I know I’m wrong. I know I’m flawed. I know I’m probably beyond saving…

I can’t be redeemed… I’ve messed things up so badly, I don’t even like who I’ve become.

She sees through all of it and knows who I really am… and brings that part of me out… and builds me up, and encourages me, and tells me I’m doing great and not to worry so much about the parts I don’t like… because those aren’t the parts everyone else sees in me, anyway…

And when she tells me I’m good… I believe her, over my own insecurities.

But going back to the other hand.

Carrie really hurt me.

Catherine really betrayed me. (But to be fair, I know I drove Catherine away with my own crazy. We were young, and I didn’t know any better.)

And just last year, Amanda broke me. But that turned out to be for my good…

And Amanda and I are actually better friends now than we were before we hooked up — and broke up — and put in the effort to work through all that and maintain our friendship, because Amanda is the first woman I’ve loved who I’ve truly wanted to keep in my life after the relationship ended.

But Amanda hurt me so bad. I can’t ever go through that again. I don’t think I would survive having another girl break my heart in two. Not this girl. Not now.

It’s smarter for me to just stay the way I am… to keep my real feelings close to my chest… to let this flame die and love this girl from afar… than to ever really take a chance and just go for it… and put everything on the line and find out:

Can a 48-year-old who’s got PTSD, who’s afraid to even step outside my own front door, who’s never let go of the first girl I ever fell in love with, who still struggles more than I want anybody to know with a legitimate addiction to pornography (there’s a way to kill a relationship, right there)…

Can I fall in love with someone new, and have it be real, and have her love me in return, and have us both be happy that we found each other and that we’re building something real and wonderful, together… that God willing, will last the rest of our lives… and maybe even into eternity…

But then again.

What if it is all in my head?

What if she really doesn’t want anything more than friends? (But what if she does want more… but we just have ourselves convinced for some reason that we’re not “supposed to” want more?)

And what if I’m so scarred by my trauma that I can never recover and I honestly can’t give her the love she deserves? No matter how much I want to?

And what if I’m making this huge deal out of something that’s not even real in the first place?

What if I just want somebody to love? And I don’t even care who it is? And she’s just the first girl that’s been nice to me, and I’m mistaking her kindness for interest? And what if I’m not even interested in her? But I just need to be interested in someone and it doesn’t even matter who it is, but she fits the bill, so now I’m trying to read so much more into this than it really is?

But I’m usually pretty perceptive. But I’m also sooooooooo terrified of getting hurt, maybe I’m not able to see this situation clearly, through all my fears and anxieties…

Maybe I’m trying to love her to cover up my insecurities and make myself feel like a strong, capable, confident man, but underneath, I’m still a little boy, and that’s all I ever will be, and no grown woman is going to find that to be a desirable quality.

But this girl, though.

I’ve told her everything… and she’s still sticking around. In fact she feels closer to me, the more I open up. That kind of thing just doesn’t happen for guys like me.

I love her.

I tell her I love her and she says, “Same.”

Which, when a man says, “Same,” that’s really saying something… so I don’t know if what it means when it comes from a woman, but I tell you what:

When she says, “Same,” my heart flutters. I feel like I’m in a Johnny Cash song and I’m about to float away. I feel like Kevin Costner when he’s just rescued Maid Marion. I feel like the Dread Pirate Roberts when Princess Buttercup leans in at the end of the movie for true love’s kiss.

I know, I’m dramatic. I over-exaggerate. I blow things waaaaayyyyy out of proportion.

I skip like, 4,827,519 steps on the way to happily ever after.

But I’ve felt this way about Sara for a year and a half. From the first time I saw her profile picture… from our first video chat… to our most recent text exchange… and all the things in between…

As I’ve grown, and learned, and changed, and come into the man I am today (the man she’s inspiring me to become, because I want to make her proud)…

Through it all, my feelings for her run deep.

And that scares me most of all.

Because what if I am wrong? What if she’s right, and I’m not into her, but I only think I am because she’s the only girl I’m talking to?

But shouldn’t it say something about her, that she’s the only girl in 48 years, that I want to talk to? That I want to tell everything? That I want to know all my parts? All my secrets? All my fears and dreams and desires and plans and insecurities and everything?

And I want her to see it all and to say, “I see you, Michael, and I want you in my life… the real you… the one you don’t show anyone else… that’s the man I want to spend my time talking to, and dreaming with, and building something really beautiful with..”

I wanna know that she sees me… and she thinks the man I am today… is all I need to be, to be worthy of her love, and her time, and her attention…

That doesn’t happen with just anybody... that only happens with women I truly love.

But still…

I don’t know if we’ll ever be together. Maybe we will. I hope we will. I dream that we will.

But maybe, we won’t.

And the fear of not being with her… not being able to give her my love… is more than I think I can bear…

I don’t even want to imagine a life that doesn’t include being in love with Sara Noelle Jones.

Even if I am wrong…

Even if it’s not “real love…”

Even if it’s all in my own head, and we’ll never be more than just friends…

I still am never going to back down from the way I feel about you, Sara.

Even if it means our friendship has to end.

I’m not going to lie about my feelings for you.

Even though those feelings scare me to death, and force me to face all of my emotional baggage.

And kind of make me want to go into witness protection so that there’s no risk of you ever finding out how deeply I love you, and how badly I want you to be mine. (But then I’d have to start a new newsletter under an assumed name, and eventually you’d figure out it was me, anyway.)

I talk about Sara, sometimes, with Amanda. Not like, gossiping about her… but like, trying to understand all the ways she makes me feel, and what I really want out of our friendship. And it always comes down to the same thing.

Every time I tell Amanda about her, it always ends with Amanda saying to me, “You really love her.”

And me answering Amanda, “I really do.”

I’m just so afraid that no matter how hard I fight to overcome all the things I’ve been running from, and no matter how much therapy I go to, and how many “life skills” I learn, and how many ways I can find to resolve my problems, improve my communication, understand my emotions, strengthen my own self-confidence, share everything in my life with her so that we’re always growing together…

I’ll never be able to love her the way she deserves to be loved.

And I’ll always be in her orbit, but I’ll never be a viable option. Because who in their right mind would want to be loved by me?

Is what I say to myself, when I want Sara to want me but don’t believe she ever will.

And I feel like I’m too scared, and too immature to ever work through that all, and I’m always gonna be alone now, and never learn how to really connect with anybody…

And I’ll never fall in love again.

And that will be the greatest tragedy of them all.

(And if I didn’t really like this girl, I wouldn’t be dealing with any of this! And maybe I wouldn’t be growing but I’d sure be a lot more comfortable right now I could just maintain my ignorance.)

But no matter what the future holds…

I am in love with this girl.

I am in love with Sara Jones. And I’m going to be, for as long as she’ll let me.

Even if we never end up together.

I’d rather love somebody and not even know if she’s ever going to love me in return, than go back to a life of not being able to love anyone because I’m that scared of the pain.

If she’s not the one, I still haven’t lost anything by loving her.

But on the other hand.

What if she is the one? I mean just what if?

Somebody is bound to be. Why can’t it be her? What if it is? And what if working through my past trauma is how I found out if she and I are “M.F.E.O.”

I mean just what if?

That would be worth fighting for. That would be something worth believing in. Something worth trying to discover.

I’m scared to death, either way. I might as well be scared and in love, and hope she loves me too. I like that scenario a lot better than any of the alternatives.

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